I recently applied for a job writing the WeekENDER at Chubbies. Like any job, the application calls for a cover letter. Rather than putting the reader to sleep with a standard “here are my qualifications here’s what I do this is what I’ve done” cover letter to be thrown in the trash and vomited on, I decided to spice things up a bit.
It was the most fun I’ve ever had writing a cover letter. So much fun, in fact, that I’ve decided to share it. It’s below, and I’d love your feedback in the comments.
whom the Chubster it may concern:
I have the same thing for breakfast every morning. Three eggs. Three strips of bacon. Why? Because THIS IS AMURICA.
And in Amurica, we can do whatever we damn well please.
But with freedom comes poor choices. Specifically, the choice to wear cargo shorts. I made this fatal mistake for many years. Little did I know that what I was experiencing was in fact not comfort, but restraint. My thighs, in all their glory, went sight unseen, hidden from the world behind a thick layer of pockets and misery.
I don’t want anyone to have to go through that. Ever. Enter: thigh liberation.
You’re looking for the best writer and visual communicator on the planet? Well look no further, amigo. (Can I call you that? I feel like I can call you that.) I’m here to help spread the good word.
Why me? Well, Chubberino, let me break down a few relevant projects I’m working on:
- I created and run DailyCreative, which puts a creative writing prompt in users’ inboxes three times a week. I’ve been testing subject lines, email timing, and the like to increase my open rates. And when it comes to the WeekENDER, isn’t getting Chubsters to read the email what it’s all about? (Let’s be honest, there are some janky emails out there that get ignored and deleted. The WeekENDER shouldn’t be one of them.)
- I’ve been blogging consistently for a year and a half. I’ve grown as a writer and developed an audience that’s loyal as all hell. They get antsy if I go too long between posts. I’d be stoked to generate that kind of loyalty for the WeekENDER. (Here are my some of my popular posts. Everything’s going to be all right and Stand clear of the closing doors.)
- I’ve got Photoshop skills. Back in my high school days I was Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook (no autographs, please). Now I work in advertising where I use that beast to manipulate ads we’re working on.
How could I rock this job?
Other than crushing it so hard with the written word that you’ll need the jaws of life to pry your eyes away from the page, I’ll provide Chubster Nation with content they won’t be able to share fast enough (because sharing is caring, and it’s also great for business). I want Chubsters to talk about the WeekENDER while they’re enjoying a brewskerdo, grillin’ some righteous BBQ, and getting pumped to kill it on Friday night.
Plus, I’m versatile. Want a knee slapper? I can write it. A tale that brings a tear to your eye? I’m your man. Time to get pumped up? Call me Seamless ‘CAUSE I’M HERE TO DELIVER. (Need proof? Check out these posts: 9 Things I’ve Learned Since College, In the end, it all evens out., and Leaper)
So why do I want to work here?
Easy. Three reasons in no particular order:
- Chubbies has a clear, unwavering, fear no evil mission and will do everything in its power to make it happen. (Unless that thing is wearing boardshorts. Then it’s a no-go.)
- The Chubbies brand feels like an extension of myself. Why yes, I would love a beer with my bacon.
- Chubbies makes a bodacious, double-take worthy, who-knew-it-was-possible-to-look-that-good-in-shorts-dear-god-where-do-I-buy-a-pair? product.
Working for Chubbies would fulfill some of my wildest dreams. I would have the opportunity to work in a position that forces me to think to my fullest capacity. I’d grow and be challenged everyday. I will utilize the skills that I went thousands of dollars into debt to learn, with coworkers equally as passionate and understanding as I am about the work-play balance. I’d be kicking ass and taking names. And my legs would look great doing it.
Still not convinced?
I didn’t want to do this, but I think I have to. Below are pictures of my Dad, who’s been thigh liberated since the 1970s.
Sure, the hair is questionable, but DAYUM those are some radical shorts.
So you see, it’s in my blood. I come from an original Chubster. I have an innate understanding that thighs are meant to be prominently displayed like the trophies of the body that they are.
It’s time to get men’s legs out of the riDONKulous garments they choose to wear and into some Chubbies. And I can be the legxact guy to do it.
Sky’s Out, Thighs Out.
Dan “Leg pun nickname pending” Whitman
P.S. – I wrote a WeekENDER. You can read it here.